Deep Desire

After a three-day work trip that seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, the return trip to the country was scheduled for the next morning. When Liu Jie and Lu Jingshen discussed it, he hesitated for a moment but didn’t immediately agree. “Let’s talk about it later.”

Liu Jie reminded him that he had other work commitments the following week, to which Lu Jingshen replied nonchalantly, “I know.”

As for how much later “later” was, he didn’t say, and Liu Jie decided not to ask.

After finishing work late into the night, Lu Jingshen rented a car and aimlessly drove through the unfamiliar streets of the foreign city alone. Unconsciously, he arrived at the entrance of Fengsi’s home.

The car parked in the same spot as last time, and he checked his phone; it was only 9 o’clock.

Uncertain whether Fengsi was still outside or inside the house, he didn’t want to give up and go back just like that.

He lit a cigarette, holding it between his fingers, and looked at his tired, lifeless eyes in the rearview mirror, feeling somewhat annoyed.

Forget Fengsi not being able to stand it; he was also disgusted by his own appearance.

Time passed slowly, and even after midnight, there was still no sign of Fengsi.

He couldn’t be lucky enough to catch him every time. Lu Jingshen let out a sigh and hesitated before sending Fengsi a message.

After waiting for half an hour without any reply, he rested his head on the steering wheel, and just like last time, he gradually fell asleep.

Of course, it was impossible to sleep well in the car seat. Lu Jingshen drifted into another dream while in this half-awake state. He dreamt of a dark basement, with a foul and decaying stench, followed by blood and the odor of rotting corpses.

Fear and gloom enveloped him, and the scene suddenly shifted.

Tropical wind brushed against his cheeks, and the sky was clear with bright sunshine overhead. In front of him, there was a vast and wild desert, then a passionate and open wilderness. There was the warmth of another person beside him, during those short but vivid three months, repeatedly making him dizzy, lost, and becoming his salvation.

However, he was ultimately swallowed by those shadows, and from then on, his world would no longer see the scorching sun, only endless cold rain and freezing chill.

The chill seeping into his bones pulled Lu Jingshen back to reality. It was snowing outside, and only a little time had passed. Fengsi still hadn’t replied to his message.

As the sky was getting brighter, Lu Jingshen opened his eyes again and was awakened by someone knocking on the car window. Outside was a gentle-looking woman with an Eastern appearance, worriedly looking at him. She gestured for him to roll down the window.

Lu Jingshen lowered the car window, and the woman asked in English, “Sir, are you okay? I saw you sleeping here when I went out, and you’re still here. Do you need help?”

Lu Jingshen was a little dazed by the sudden wake-up call, but when he stared into the woman’s eyes, they seemed familiar. For a moment, he forgot to respond.

Thinking that he might not understand English, she tried switching to Chinese, “Sir, can you understand what I’m saying?”

Lu Jingshen nodded, pushing open the car door and getting out of the car, thanking her, “I’m fine, thank you.”

Relieved, the woman reminded him, “Don’t sleep here; it’s so cold. Be careful not to catch a cold.”

Lu Jingshen blurted out, “Do you know Fengsi?”

She was momentarily taken aback and then smiled, “Oh, you’re here to see Fengsi? I’m his mother.”

As expected.

The woman in front of him had the same eyes as Fengsi and Feng Ting, almost identical. He hadn’t made a mistake.

“I’m his… friend,” Lu Jingshen hesitated and said, “Is he at home?”

Fengsi’s mother smiled and said, “He went out with his friends last night and hasn’t come back yet. He should be back soon. If you’re bored, you can go into his room and see if there’s any book to pass the time.”

Lu Jingshen thanked her and followed her upstairs. Their home was in an old-fashioned apartment with a vintage feel. When walking on the wooden floor, you could still hear echoes. Fengsi’s mother explained that their family had lived there for nearly thirty years, and they were used to that place, so they didn’t want to move.

“Fengsi and his younger sister both grew up here. In the past, our family of four used to be lively, but as the children grew up, they went to work or study outside and only returned during holidays. My husband also passed away two years ago, so I’m the only one left at home. I actually hope Fengsi can work in London so I can see him more, but he said he wanted to go back to China, and I support him. Maybe in the years to come, I’ll also go back.”

While talking, Fengsi’s mother shifted her gaze seemingly unconsciously, and she took a good look at Lu Jingshen, who was listening intently. Then she continued, “Fengsi has always been this way, indecisive and used to running all over the world. I’m quite surprised that he wants to go back to China. After all, he only went back with me a few times when he was a child.”

Lu Jingshen lightly pursed his lips. He saw the seemingly endless corridor and hallway in front of him, with fine dust dancing in the speckled light and shadow. The marks of time were carved there. He imagined that Fengsi had traveled back and forth countless times in this place, from childhood to now.

They were two people from entirely different worlds. If it weren’t for that fateful encounter, perhaps they would never have crossed paths in this lifetime. If it weren’t for Fengsi’s relentless pursuit for seven years, after the two lines of their lives had gradually drifted apart, they would eventually have become parallel.

Thinking of that, a faint pain suddenly emerged in his heart, not fatal, but still making him uncomfortable.

Entering the house, Fengsi’s mother put down the things she just bought from the supermarket, including a bouquet of flowers, which she casually inserted into the vase on the cabinet by the entrance.

She gestured for Lu Jingshen to sit down and went to make tea for him.

With Feng Ting going back to France for school, and Fengsi still not returning, there was no one else at home. At that moment, Lu Jingshen felt a little uneasy. Fengsi’s mother probably sensed it and came back with the tea, asking if he had eaten, “I’ll prepare something for you, and you can have it in a while. The room on the left is Fengsi’s. If you’re bored, you can go in and see if there’s any book to pass the time.”

Lu Jingshen thanked her.

As she went to the kitchen, Lu Jingshen stood up and walked towards Fengsi’s room. His hand stopped on the doorknob, and he paused for a moment before slowly pushing it open.

Gradually, a completely different world from what Lu Jingshen had imagined appeared before his eyes. The most prominent items were books and various medals. He walked over to the bookshelf and looked at them; most of them were related to aviation. Although Feng Si seemed nonchalant, he treated his work with an attitude no less serious than others.

Lu Jingshen’s hand brushed over the books that had been there for some years, and his heart felt heavy. He felt an indescribable emotion as if, only there in those books, he finally glimpsed a corner of Fengsi’s past and reacquainted himself with him.

His fingers suddenly paused as he noticed a stack of postcards hidden in the corner of the bookshelf. Lu Jingshen hesitated and reached out, taking the top one.

Flipping it to the back, he found that the recipient was himself, and below it was a message written by Fengsi in English.

“Alex,

I’m going to Dubai. I don’t even know how-many job changes I’ve had in these seven years, I don’t even remember anymore. Although it’s a bit unrealistic, I heard there are many wealthy people there, so I want to try my luck. I don’t know where the next stop will be or when I can stop.

Feng

2022.1.3″

Lu Jingshen was stunned, then he took the second, third, and more postcards.

“Alex,

This is Venice, Italy. The church bells are ringing, and some people are passing under the bridge on a gondola, kissing. I envy them. I hope next time I have a chance, I can come here with you.

Feng

2021.6.15″

“Alex,

I’m back home. My dad got sick and passed away. My mom seems to have aged a lot overnight. Thinking back to their loving days, a lifetime is only a short thirty years.

I will keep looking for you.

Feng

2020.8.19″

“Alex,

It’s snowing in New York tonight, the first snow of the winter. I met someone who looks a lot like you; I really wanted to treat him as you, but he’s not you. I can’t deceive myself.

Feng

2019.11.28″

“Alex,

This time, I’m in France. The French people are too warm; even I find it hard to resist. Judging from your looks, you’re definitely not from here, but you can speak French. When did you learn it?

Feng

2018.4.13″

The paper of some of the postcards at the back had started to turn yellow.

“Alex,

I’ve traveled all over Asia, still haven’t found you. I’ve decided to try other places. Sometimes, I even doubt if you’re the person I imagined during those three months. But I don’t believe that; I can’t accept not finding you.

Feng

2017.12.3″

“Alex,

I always feel that you’re East Asian, but you can’t understand Chinese. Are you Japanese or Korean? Right now, I’m on the streets of Shinjuku in Tokyo. There are so many people here, but not a single one is you. Where are you, really?

Feng

2016.2.12″

“Alex,

It’s been a month, and you still haven’t come back. I thought things that aren’t so important are actually essential. Perhaps the things you think aren’t important are actually not important at all?

I don’t know what I’m saying; maybe I’m going crazy.

I saw this postcard on the street just now. You wanted to buy the last one, but someone else took it before you. Today, I bought it for you, but I don’t know where to send it.

Feng

2015.11.8″

After going through dozens of postcards one by one, Lu Jingshen felt a tingling sensation in his eyes that was difficult to endure.

Perhaps it was due to not getting enough sleep last night, or perhaps it was something else.

His breathing was not smooth, and the acrid taste spread to his heart, making it ache.

Startled, he heard the sound of the door opening and footsteps outside, followed by Fengsi’s voice, “Mom, do we have another guest?”

Lu Jingshen quickly put away the stack of postcards and heard Fengsi’s mother answer, “It’s your friend. I just met him downstairs when I returned from the supermarket. He came to look for you. I forgot to ask his name.”

Lu Jingshen walked out, and Fengsi’s gaze seemed indifferent when he saw him. He casually introduced him to his mother, “Lu Jingshen is my boss from China.”

He didn’t pay extra attention to Lu Jingshen and went into the kitchen first to help his mother bring out the freshly made meal.

Lu Jingshen felt a bit awkward and wanted to help but was coldly stopped by Fengsi outside the kitchen, “relax over there; there’s no reason for guests to help.”

Lu Jingshen could only step back and silently follow him into the dining room.

At the dining table, Fengsi’s mother complained about her son, “Where did you go all night? You didn’t even tell me what time you were coming back.”

“I went to a friend’s birthday party. My phone died, and seeing that it was cold and far away, I didn’t feel like coming back. I just slept there for the night,” Fengsi patiently explained to his mother, then he glanced at Lu Jingshen and finally shifted his attention to him, “Why did Mr. Lu come here so early in the morning?”

Fengsi’s mother said, “He seemed to have arrived early. His car had been parked downstairs for a while. You really should stop making people wait too long for you.”

The excuse “I just happened to pass by” almost slipped out of Lu Jingshen’s mouth but was swallowed back.

Fengsi casually took a piece of bread and said, “It doesn’t matter if someone waits, they should. I’ve also waited for others before.”

Lu Jingshen remembered the last postcard he saw earlier. After he left, Fengsi had waited for him for a whole month in that city, in that hotel.

He felt a bit uncomfortable and said softly, “It’s okay, I’m the one intruding.”

Fengsi’s mother comforted him, “Don’t mind Fengsi. He shouldn’t be running around outside all night, he’s never even home most of the time.”

Fengsi chuckled and said, “Mom, I’m thirty, not three. Also Tingting is not at home, so you don’t have to nag me like this. Okay, okay, I know I’m bothering you by staying here. I’ve had enough time off work; I’ll go back to work soon. You don’t have to worry.”

Lu Jingshen unconsciously looked at him, wanting to know where his work was. At the same time, Fengsi’s mother also asked, “Where are you going to work this time?”

Fengsi: “Well, it’s not here anyway.”

As for where it is, he didn’t say, and Fengsi’s mother didn’t show any interest in asking further.

After breakfast, Fengsi accompanied Lu Jingshen downstairs.

In the empty corridor, there were only their footsteps. Two tall figures walked side by side, and the wooden floor beneath their feet creaked under the weight, breaking the silence between them.

Lu Jingshen: “You…”

“You should go back; there’s no need to come here again.” Fengsi interrupted him, cutting off his words.

Lu Jingshen’s expression changed slightly, and he stopped, standing at the end of the dim corridor, looking back at him, “You really don’t plan on coming back home with me, do you?”

Fengsi: “No, I don’t.”

Lu Jingshen felt the taste of blood surging up in his chest. The words “no I don’t” from Fengsi lingered in his mind, and he unconsciously nodded.

Fengsi said, “You really don’t have to do this. It’s so cold, why did you come here?”

After a moment of silence, Lu Jingshen suddenly reached out and tightly held him, “I’ve seen those postcards you wrote, the ones addressed to me.”

Fengsi responded with a casual “Oh,” and said, “I forgot about them; I used to write them for fun, knowing that I couldn’t send them anyway.”

“But I saw them, and I can’t pretend I haven’t,” Lu Jingshen insisted.

Fengsi ambiguously smiled and said, “So what?”

Lu Jingshen looked directly into his eyes and said, “Give me a chance to make it up to you.”

“Make it up?” Fengsi slowly repeated the words and withdrew his hand to light a cigarette, exhaling smoke rings. “How do you plan to make it up to me? I have enough money, so I don’t need that. As for physical compensation, you’ve done it many times before, and I’m not interested now.”

“What if I compensate you with my heart? Would you accept it?” Lu Jingshen said this with difficulty, as if making a confession. He didn’t dare admit that he had fallen in love with a man, but he loved Fengsi, and that feeling had taken root and sprouted in his heart, unable to be uprooted.

Fengsi laughed ambiguously, “are you confessing to me?”

Lu Jingshen felt uncertain under his laughter and said in a strained voice, “Yes.”

Fengsi said, “Alright then. What if I ask you to publicly acknowledge our relationship to others or tell your family. Can you do that?”

Lu Jingshen hadn’t had a chance to answer; his phone rang, and it was Lu Jingqing calling.

Suppressing his emotions, he answered the call. Lu Jingqing informed him that she would arrive in London the day after tomorrow. Her best friend was getting married there, and she would be the bridesmaid.

Lu Jingshen frowned, “You didn’t mention this before I left.”

“No, I didn’t,” Lu Jingqing explained, “The itinerary was already fixed. I originally wanted to tell you that I could attend this business invitation instead, which would fit the timing. But you insisted on going, so I didn’t say anything. Your business trip should be over by now, right? When are you coming back?”

Lu Jingqing’s implication was clear, reminding him that he should return to China.

The company had just experienced chaos, and they couldn’t both stay abroad at the same time. At least one of them had to be at the company. Lu Jingshen could only comply, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

As footsteps behind him receded, he turned around to see Fengsi’s figure going upstairs with slippers on.

Holding his phone tightly, Lu Jingshen closed his eyes lightly.

After hanging up the phone, he still stood motionless.

Regarding Fengsi’s question, he might not be able to give an answer that would Feng Si immediately, but he did want to try hard. Whether it was going back to see a psychologist or working overtime to finish his work early, he wanted to come back to find Fengsi next month or the month after that, to make an effort to try.

The past couldn’t be undone, but he had to take that step. He wouldn’t run away anymore.