My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

As per standard succubus procedure, if one ever so happens to find themselves hitching a ride with one being of boundless pleasure, please ensure the compartment is well-ventilated and that any and all windows are fully rolled down before proceeding. 

Now never let it be said that I was one to play it loose by the rules - the very moment those doors were slamming shut, I was already making sure I heard whirrings all around me.

For that extra bit of precaution, I hunkered myself over down to the backseat, taking a place right alongside Ash sitting so prim and proper, leaving Irene absent for company over at the wheel.

Not that she minded, of course. In fact, going by the eased tension I saw in the rearview mirror, Irene seemed somewhat relieved at this arbitrary attempt at stretching out our distances… for better or for worse.

She pulled out her phone, swiping sideways to the menu screen, and as the car engine rumbled to life, asked without looking back, "What's the address?"

It took only one attempt, didn't have to repeat myself twice, by the time I finished answering she had already punched in the address without skipping a beat. 

A half-hour journey's drive according to the little speaker lady on her phone's GPS, but in actuality, I'm guessing a rough estimate of an hour or two would be much more accurate given the aftermath out on the streets. 

Irene herself seemed to arrive at the same conclusion as I, shifting gears and turning wheels.

"Still got half a tank left," She muttered to no one in particular. "Good. We're definitely gonna need it."

"Half a tank, what is - ?" 

Ash had a frown, a furrowed stare, and as always I was kept on question-and-answer duty, just like old times.

"It makes cars go vroom," I explained. "Fuller the tank, longer the vroom. Empty tank, no vroom."

"I see," Ash said, then stared upwards as if sudden realization had been basked upon her very soul. "Ah, I understand now."

Now it was my turn to start frowning and asking, "What do you understand now?"

"That infuriating man from before. The one with the limp and a cane. The vehicle he had relinquished to us had been tainted in Blight, so I have taken it upon myself to dispose of it far from the household." 

I sorta, kinda, vaguely, maybe, heard faint murmurings that went somewhere along those lines. I was a little out of the weather back then, couldn't tell a dream from reality even if I tried. But I'm quite certain that her carrying me like a bride into a house didn't happen, too dream-like of a feeling to be real.

"So what you'd do with the car?" I asked.

"It's as you stated," Ash responded back matter-of-factly. "Empty tank, no vroom." 

Huh…

"Where's the car now? You just left on the side of a road somewhere?"

She shook her head. "Too much of a risk to those that might find it a curious sight. As always, I improvised."

At this point, Irene was leaning an ear and an eye towards the conversation, road-safety be damned, the mystery of the missing car was a far more urgent call than our literal safety.

"Improvised how?" I asked.

Ash, obviously finding the topic far less intriguing than we did, simply shrugged her shoulders. 

"There was a lake nearby."

There was a la… pardon me, Elfy, what the fu - 

"You drove the car into a lake?" I said, feeling my soul make a swift departure from my body - and for the record, I don't think my voice was doing justice to how absolutely gobsmacked I was.

"Of course not, Master," She said, staring at me as if the notion itself was a foolish one, as it rightfully should be. "If I were to do that, I'd simply get myself wet."

Thought maybe I could breathe a little easier upon hearing that. Nope. "So what did you actually do with the -?" 

"I threw it in the lake."

"You threw it in the lake?!"

Ash nodded.

"Both arms?"

Nodded again.

"You lifted it?"

"It was surprisingly light."

"Surprisingly light?!"

Oh, I'd love to see what the hell is the 'unsurprisingly', cause last I checked car-lifting and especially car-chucking were things only reserved to be printed in the pages of a comic book.

Elf-Superman confirmed? Wait, should be Superwomen right? Super-Elf? Look, whatever, in any case, someone go get her a cowl and cape cause I think I just found our vigilante of the night.

But really, why was I so surprised? I've seen her tank a gunshot without even flinching, bust through walls and ceilings they were cardboard, jump high enough a distance that could make the entirety of the kangaroo population in Australia collectively groan in shame and defeat.

Guess I just grew too used to her living an everyday life away from peril. Was more accustomed to the sight of her contentedly eating away at a bowl of cereal, or slaving at a particularly hard part in a game through a narrow crack in her doorway.

Even now, everything about her just screamed mundanity. That same tattered white jacket I got her so long ago, those same ripped denim jeans from yesteryear - every time she could, she'd wear them. Really, she'd grown mighty fond of the attire that it's actually slowly becoming a signature look of hers.

You look at her, look at how she looks, and you expect someone her physique and appearance to go smashing concrete walls and throwing cars? I think not, good sir. At least I hope not.

And as if life itself was a tenacious advocate for the phrase 'Speak of the devll', the view from the passenger-side windows finally cleared away from the saturated greens of bushes and trees, and instead, whizzed in all its glory, a bright, sparkling, ocean-blue lake way off into the distance.

Could be a figment of the mind, could be a trick of the light, whatever case I could have sworn I caught a little glimpse, as we zoomed on by, of a small rectangular metal plate drifting lazily away in peaceful tides. 

Like a fleeting memento of a young, ambitious automobile so unjustly snuffed out from its mileage. It's so sad… so sad.

Soon that scenic view would come to pass gone with the whirling wind, and soon I'd find myself staring back at her, her emerald eyes with not a shred of guilt present within.

"It's unsalvageable now…" I whispered.

"Yes," Ash said super stoically. "That was the intended purpose."

"It's not our car to throw in the river." 

"That awful man relinquished his ownership of it to us, hasn't he?" Ash said, tilting her head. 

"Yeah, I wish..." I heaved a sigh. "It's okay… if he asks, I'll just speak his language…. that it's uh - 'sleeping with the fishes'."

"In any case, the car's been rendered inoperable due to the Blight, driving under such conditions is a dangerous risk. If anything, I did him a favor."

I gave a little bemused scoff, saying bye-bye to the lake shrinking in the distance. "Yeah, well… let's hope he sees it your way. I mean that was a Porsche that went sinking."

"A Porsche… hmm?"

Rear-view mirror had a judgmental stare piercing through it, along with a shake of a head. 

"That's illegal, you know?" Irene called out from the front. "Misdemeanor, destruction of private property, illegal dumping… you're looking at quite a hefty fine there, Ms. Elf."

Ash soared both brows to the fringers of her hair, genuinely at a loss of any wrongdoing that may have occurred. "I had only good intentions."

"Not gonna fly in court," Irene said, rounding a turn. "Did your Master over here neglect to teach you about the laws and regulations we have here in this world?"

So much in authority and pull woven into a single sentence that even Ash was starting to fidget in place. "My Master has done no wrong."

"But does the responsibility not fall onto the Master to answer for any and all actions taken by his servant? Isn't that how you Elf-Knights usually operate?"

Ash was lacking for a proper answer, sputtering her lips, hoping one would just come to her on the fly. "True! But… circumstances dictate that drastic actions had to be done, lest… Master would have…"

"It's not a matter of morals - it's the legal aspect of things you should be considering. If you're gonna be coming along, try not to be too drastic with your actions, yes? We got rules here, try to adhere to it."

Ash gave a glum nod, and I felt my heart and the good in me give…

"Cut her some slack, Irene," I said. "If she hadn't gotten rid of that car, I'd probably be on a one-way trip to the pearly gates by now."

"Not saying she's in the wrong for it," Irene stated indifferently. "But if that was anybody else's car, you'd be looking at a month behind bars."

I smirked. "Okay, then how about I peck you on the cheek and you pretend this never happened, huh, officer?"

I've never seen a more furious gaze in a reflection. "You say another word, I'm giving you five myself."