Deep Desire

The meeting continued in the afternoon, but Lu Jingshen remained distracted. He didn’t push and challenge as aggressively as in the morning; instead, he became silent and absent-minded.

At six o’clock, Liu Jie knocked on his office door and asked what he wanted to eat for dinner, as she was ready to order.

Lu Jingshen glanced at the time displayed on the computer screen, feeling tired, and said, “Let’s call it a day.”

Liu Jie was a bit surprised but quickly responded, “Sure, I’ll ask Wang to bring the car around.”

Lu Jingshen nodded, gesturing for Liu Jie to leave first.

He leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and let his thoughts wander. After a while, he opened his eyes again, tidied up his desk quickly, and then stood up to grab his coat hanging on the rack.

Outside, it was already dusk, and a heavy snowfall had covered the streets. Lu Jingshen sat in the car, looking out the window. The snow continued to fall, and pedestrians hurriedly passed by, no one stopping for anyone.

It was cold and desolate, making it hard to find any comfort.

Before entering his home, he hesitated for a moment. As he placed his finger on the fingerprint lock, countless thoughts flashed through his mind.

When he pushed the door open, the house was brightly lit, and Feng Si was in the kitchen, frying steaks while talking on the phone with his shoulder holding the phone.

“I’ll talk to you later; Send me the address, and if I’m free, I’ll come have a drink.”

Lu Jingshen’s tense nerves suddenly relaxed.

Feng Si hung up the phone, looked up at him, and raised his chin, “You’re back quite early today. Dinner is ready. Go wash your hands and let’s eat.”

Lujing Shen stepped forward and asked, “What are you doing?”

Feng Si replied, “Can’t you see? I’m frying steak.”

He pointed to the side where other dishes were freshly made, all simple Western dishes.

“Have some.”

Lujing Shen felt uneasy seeing Feng Si’s calm expression. He didn’t know what to say.

Before entering, he had imagined countless possibilities, even prepared himself for the possibility that Feng Si wouldn’t come back. However, he never expected Feng Si’s attitude to be like this—indifferent, avoiding the topic, as if nothing had happened in the morning.

Seeing Lujing Shen standing still, Feng Si teasingly urged him, “Aren’t you hungry? I know you didn’t get to eat at the company, right? Go wash your hands.”

“Have you been at home since noon?” Lujing Shen hesitated to ask.

Feng Si replied, “Yeah, it’s cold outside, and there’s nowhere to go anyway.”

Lujing Shen said, “About this morning…”

“Don’t mention that,” Feng Si interrupted him, “It’s pointless.”

Lujing Shen pursed his lips and decided not to bring it up again. He turned and went to wash his hands.

During the meal, Lujing Shen still said, “Sorry” to Feng Si.

Feng Si asked him, “How many times are you planning to apologize to me? Lujing Shen, don’t you have any other tactics?”

Lujing Shen looked embarrassed and said, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.”

Feng Si tossed that remark and calmly cut his steak, making it clear he didn’t want to continue that conversation.

Lujing Shen could only give up.

He hadn’t eaten anything for lunch, and he still didn’t have much appetite now. He reluctantly ate a few bites of steak, and Feng Si already put down his knife and fork, saying, “I’ll go take a shower.”

As Feng Si was passing by, Lujing Shen reached out and stopped him, saying, “Are you going out tonight? I just heard you making plans with someone…”

“Yeah and?” Feng Si retorted.

“Don’t go,” Lujing Shen lifted his eyes, “Can you just stay?”

Feng Si said, “Alex, do you think your request is reasonable? Who am I to you? You don’t want to acknowledge my existence, yet you want to restrict my freedom to make friends. Isn’t that too domineering of you?”

Lujing Shen was left speechless.

Feng Si’s gaze slowly wandered over his face, pausing for a moment before he suddenly smiled and said, “Enough with this distressed expression. It’s as if you can’t live without me. Lujing Shen, you may appear innocent, but you’re actually quite adept at toying with people’s hearts. There’s no need for this act.”

Though he was smiling, his eyes were cold, and every word he spoke was filled with sarcasm.

Lujing Shen was indeed feeling uncomfortable, but he also knew that his current appearance was no different from pretending in Feng Si’s eyes.

“Do you want to?” Lujing Shen asked with difficulty.

That was the only way he could think of; if Feng Si still refused, he truly didn’t know what to do.

Feng Si didn’t answer immediately. He looked at Lujing Shen and, after a while, reached out to touch his constantly moving Adam’s apple.

Lujing Shen felt a bit nervous but didn’t move, allowing Feng Si to do as he pleased.

“Are you nervous? Afraid that I’ll reject you?” Feng Si saw right through him and sneered, ” Alright, I’ll grant your wish.”

After saying that, he reached over, pulled Lujing Shen’s waist up, and held him in his arms.

They got entangled on the sofa. Feng Si used his physical strength to overpower Lujing Shen, effortlessly removing the tie in front of Lujing Shen and tying his wrists.

The ties were tight, making Lujing Shen uncomfortable, but he didn’t refuse and let Feng Si tie him up.

Feng Si held his chin, fingers slowly caressing the curve of his jaw, looking down at him. “You are only well-behaved in moments like this huh?.”

Lujing Shen gazed back at Feng Si with fervent eyes, full of love. “I’ll do whatever you want so as to make it up to you.”

Feng Si’s gaze grew deeper, complex emotions churning in his eyes. Lujing Shen felt a sudden panic, and without thinking, he raised his bound hands, pulled down Feng Si’s collar, and kissed him.

Feng Si watched his reaction without resisting or responding. He remained calm during the kiss, showing no desire and making no movements.

Lujing Shen was hurt by his gaze, wanting to close his eyes, but Feng Si didn’t allow it. He grabbed Lujing Shen’s neck, forcing him to look at him. “Even when there’s no one else around, you still want to escape? Look at me.”

Lujing Shen breathed heavily, but he didn’t avoid Feng Si’s gaze anymore.

Feng Si’s hand slid down his neck to the front, his fingertips gently touching Lujing Shen’s slightly dry lips. “Does it really make you uncomfortable?”

 Feng Si rubbed his lips until they gradually reddened and said slowly, “But I feel even worse than you.”

They kissed again, like wild animals biting and tearing at each other, gasping heavily, refusing to let go.

Lujing Shen’s clothes were stripped off, but Feng Si only unzipped his own pants. He held Lujing Shen’s hand and said in a low voice by his ear, “If we’re doing this, let’s do it directly. I don’t want to use protection.”

It was the first time Feng Si made such a request, showing his dominance that couldn’t be refused.

Lujing Shen’s breathing became rapid. He struggled to nod and said hoarsely, “Okay.”

He must have been out of his mind to agree to let Feng Si go that far, but at the moment he met Feng Si’s gaze, he had no choice but to nod.

If that could make Feng Si satisfied and less annoyed with him, he was willing to do it.

With no protection and overly clear sensations, Lujing Shen trembled from head to toe right from the start. A fiery turmoil raged within him, and he wanted to scream, but his voice was stuck in his throat, and not a word could be uttered.

He couldn’t even move; his hands were bound and pressed forcefully against his head, like a fish on a chopping board, completely under Feng Si’s control and restraint.

Whether it was pain or pleasure, every single feeling was magnified infinitely, all brought on by Feng Si.

But with each swaying of his vision, he looked upon Feng Si’s ever-calmer and rational black eyes. The warmth of their embrace couldn’t fill the growing void in his heart. He tried to reach out and grasp something, holding on tightly to Feng Si’s arm, but again and again, he futilely slipped away.

 Feng Si suddenly stopped, breathing heavily with his head lowered. His long and sweat-soaked fringe hung down, covering his eyes.

Lujing Shen grasped his wrist, and the unease in his heart escalated rapidly. He struggled to speak with difficulty, “Why did you stop?”

A prolonged silence followed, and the only sounds were their heartbeats and breathing.

Feng Si finally spoke, “The day you left, I went to the train station, the airport, everywhere looking for you. Even when the last flight of that day took off, I still didn’t see you. I could only go back to the hotel and repeatedly ask the waiter who brought me a message from you. I asked him what you said and did, but he said there was nothing, that you only left a ‘goodbye’ and took your luggage with you.”

Lujing Shen’s fingers suddenly tightened and trembled slightly. What Feng Si was telling him was about seven years ago, the past that he had always avoided.

Feng Si’s wrist turned, and he firmly pulled it out of Lujing Shen’s grasp.

“At that time, I wondered if you were messing with me. Maybe you’d be back in a day or two. I didn’t dare leave and stayed in that city, that hotel, waiting for you. I waited for a whole month, but you still didn’t return.”

“During that time, I kept trying to recall the details of our time together, where things went wrong. Was it my mistake, or did you misunderstand something? Only then did I realize that I didn’t even know where you came from, what your real name was. I never saw any identification from you. Every time we checked into a hotel, I used my passport. When going through customs, you intentionally avoided showing me any information. Maybe I didn’t care at first, so I didn’t think much of it. But by the time I wanted to care, it was already too late.”

“You left, and I couldn’t find you again.”

Feng Si’s voice was calm, saying each sentence slowly and almost without inflection, as if talking about someone else’s story.

Lujing Shen couldn’t see the eyes hidden behind Feng Si’s wet hair, but just listening to those casually spoken words felt like his heart was being tightly grasped, making it hard for him to breathe.

“I waited for you for a month and still didn’t see you, so I had to give up. After going back, I quit my job and came to Asia alone. While working on private planes for others, I kept looking for you. Japan, Korea, Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia… I spent two full years going through the surrounding countries, but I never came here because on the day we first met, you pretended not to understand my Chinese.”

“I said you were so adept at playing with people’s hearts. Weren’t you angry with me for saying that? Who else could hear their mother tongue in a strange place and instinctively pretend not to understand?”

“I was too confident, thinking you had no reason to deceive me like that. But people are different. You always tried to shut yourself off, and your guard was too strong. I tried everything, but I couldn’t break through your walls.”

Lujing Shen wanted to argue, but from the moment Feng Si started speaking, he had lost his voice. His lips moved, but no words came out.

Feng Si seemed to perceive his thoughts, raised his hand, and wiped the corners of Lu Jingshen’s eyes, sensing the faint dampness. He gently rubbed his fingers and asked, “Are you crying?”

Lujing Shen didn’t know. Perhaps the last time he truly shed tears was when he was a child.

But he was indeed in so much pain. With every word Feng Si said, his heart clenched in pain, and the suffocating feeling of not being able to breathe brought him to the edge of collapse.

But Feng Si said he was feeling worse than him.

He might have sensed it; Feng Si’s voice wasn’t intense, but the disappointment within it was suffocating him.

“Don’t cry,” Feng Si reminded him with a deep voice, “I don’t need your pity.”

Lujing Shen continued shaking his head, gripping Feng Si’s shirt sleeve tightly, wanting to say something, but the words couldn’t come out no matter how hard he tried.

“Alex, am I making you suffer by clinging to you like this? If I let you go, would you be able to go back to living peacefully and comfortably like before?”

“Instead of all this pain, let’s just put our relationship aside and go our separate ways.”

Feng Si’s tone was both gentle and cruel, and Lujing Shen finally saw clearly his eyes, the light within them dimmed, devoid of any warmth or tenderness, cold and calm to the point of being terrifying.

Feng Si carefully pried open the tightly clenched fingers that held onto him, helping Lujing Shen untie the tie that bound his wrists, and then he moved away.

 he no longer wanted to continue.

His last words resonated in Lujing Shen’s ears.

“It’s over.”