Deep Desire

Lujing Shen sat on the couch with his messy and wrinkled suit jacket, trembling fingers holding a burning cigarette, struggling to keep it steady.

The falling ash burned his foot, and he felt like waking from a dream. As he looked up, Feng Si had already come out of the room, carrying his luggage and draping a flight jacket over his arm. He spoke calmly, “There’s too much random stuff I bought here. I can’t take it all, so you can just throw it away, Lujing Shen.”

Lujing Shen swallowed hard, his voice hoarse, “Do you really have to go?”

Feng Si looked at him, his lips curling into a smile, “Then what else? Do I have any reason to stay?”

Feng Si was still his usual self, nonchalant and carefree. The more he acted like this, the worse Lujing Shen felt inside.

It was like he was still immersed in the sudden shock of the change, unable to recover his senses, while the other person had already detached himself, returning to normal, leaving this matter behind and moving on without a glance back.

“I…”

He barely managed to say that one word when his phone rang, a call from Lu chixié.

Lujing Shen didn’t want to answer, but in his distracted state, he accidentally accepted the call. Lu chixié’s voice came through, “Bro, I heard people say that the photo of you kissing Captain Feng has spread around the company. What’s going on? You’ve really made people look at you in a different light.”

Lujing Shen closed his eyes. If Lu chixié knew about it, it meant their family elders probably knew too, but no one had called to ask him about it. It was probably Lujing Qing who blocked them from asking.

Lu chixié was curious and kept asking about what happened between him and Feng Si, but Lujing Shen didn’t answer. He was feeling restless.

Lu chixié’s voice was not low, though it wasn’t on speaker, Feng Si could still hear every word.

Lujing Shen looked at him unconsciously, but Feng Si didn’t seem to mind. He appeared indifferent, “It’s fake,” but the words “It’s fake” were once again stuck in Lujing Shen’s throat.

In the end, he casually responded to Lu chixié and hung up the phone.

Feng Si put the car key on the coffee table, “Here’s your key back, I’m leaving now.”

Saying that, he turned around with his luggage and walked away, looking carefree.

Lujing Shen was stunned for two seconds, then quickly stood up and chased after him.

Feng Si changed his shoes and was about to leave when Lujing Shen blurted out, “Can you stay?”

Feng Si turned to look at him, his gaze pausing on his face for two seconds, “No.”

Lujing Shen clenched his fists tightly, but Feng Si had already walked out, and without looking back, he got into the elevator.

The sound of the descending elevator was particularly clear, and Lujing Shen stood still by the entrance, feeling his blood freeze, the coldness penetrating to his bones.

When the sound completely disappeared, he turned around and looked at the now silent and empty apartment. It was just missing one person, and even though most of Feng Si’s belongings were still there, everything felt different.

The record player he brought back from the flea market in France was still there, prominently displayed in the living room. Lujing Shen walked over, put on a record, and tried to move the handle to produce some sound, but his attempts were in vain.

The record player was broken again, and the person who could fix it had already left.

He let go and stepped back, supporting himself against the wall, taking a deep and difficult breath, barely keeping himself from sinking to the floor.

That person had left, and he only seemed to realize it now.

…….

Early the next morning, before 8 a.m., Lujing Shen was already at the company. He had hardly slept a wink the previous night. As soon as he arrived, he asked someone to make him coffee, forcing himself to stay alert and focused on his work.

When Liu Jie saw the heavy dark circles under his eyes, she was taken aback. Lujing Shen’s expression was tense, and he only talked about work-related matters.

He used to be like this, but now he seemed even colder and more serious than before.

From that day on, Lujing Shen reverted to being a workaholic. He was the first to arrive at the company and the last to leave. He took care of everything personally, involving himself in every detail. He even treated the office like his home and would rather sleep there than return to that desolate and empty house.

As for the email incident, it was later proven to be related to Li Wenzhong and his gang. After reporting to the police, Lujing Shen didn’t bother to inquire further. Li Wenzhong had embezzled company assets, the evidence was solid, and the amount involved was huge, so he was certain to go to jail. There was no need for him to give it another thought.

Although the email and the photo caused quite a stir in the company,  Lujing Shen’s strong and composed reaction, coupled with the official announcement, quickly quelled any gossip and speculations among the employees.

When he received a message from An Xin, Lujing Shen was still working overtime in his office.

An Xin reminded him to go home for dinner in two days. Lujing Shen glanced at the calendar and suddenly realized that the Spring Festival was approaching, and Feng Si had already been gone for almost half a month.

Feeling exhausted, he leaned back in his chair. Staring at the bright incandescent light above his head, he remained lost in thought for a moment. When his eyes started to feel sore and teary, he picked up his phone and unconsciously opened the chat with Feng Si.

Staring at that profile picture for a while, he then clicked into Feng Si’s Moments.

He had returned to the UK, occasionally updating his Moments with pictures of gatherings and parties with various friends.

In those photos, Feng Si smiled even more happily, unrestrained and carefree. Regardless of who was around him, he always stood out in the crowd, the most eye-catching one, as if he was born with such charisma and charm.

Yet, such a person was willing to let go, spending seven years searching for him, only to be disappointed in the end.

Lu Jingshen sensed the throbbing in his heart, he bent down, clenched his fist, pressed it against his forehead, and leaned on the desk without moving for a while.

It wasn’t until the spring festival that Lu Jingshen finally went home early in the morning. After a simple cleanup and a change of clothes, he drove to his parents’ house.

When he parked the car, he saw Lu Chixie playing with his boyfriend in the yard, both of them laughing like children.

Lu Jingshen didn’t immediately get out of the car. He quietly watched them for a moment until Lu Chixie noticed his car, walked over, and knocked on his car window.

“Brother, you’re here. Why don’t you get out?” Lu Chixie asked.

Lu Jingshen withdrew his gaze, opened the car door.

Lu Chixie chuckled and said, “Oh, btw I heard that you broke up with that Captain Feng. He went back to England, right? It seems like he’s living a lively and colorful life according to his social media. It looks like he didn’t care about you at all. Did you two really break up?”

Lu Jingshen knew that Lu Chixie was intentionally provoking him. Although he didn’t object to Lu Chixie and Lingzhuo’s relationship, he didn’t exactly approve of it either. Lu Chixie had held that grudge and was intentionally trying to get back at him.

Lu Jingshen didn’t feel like dealing with him. Just hearing Feng Si’s name from someone else’s mouth made him uncomfortable, and he didn’t want to say much.

He ignored Lu Chixie and went inside.

Lingzhuo came over and criticized Lu Chixie in a low voice, “Why do you always intentionally provoke your brother?”

Lu Chixie smirked and said, “I thought he would argue with me and say that he and Captain Feng were never a real couple. Looks like something happened between them”

Regardless of everything, the atmosphere at the Lu family’s reunion dinner was very pleasant. Both Lu Jingqing and Lu Chixie had brought their partners, and everyone was happily chatting at the dinner table, avoiding any unpleasant topics.

Lu Jingqing mentioned that they were planning to get married next year. Lu Jingshen, who was usually quiet, glanced at her and her boyfriend.

Lu Jingqing had always had a clear plan for her life. She said she would get married at thirty, and she had found the right person. In that regard, Lu Jingshen couldn’t compare to Lu Jingqing.

Their parents were naturally overjoyed and kept expressing their happiness.

Lu Chixie and Lingzhuo raised their glasses to congratulate Lu Jingqing. When it was Lu Jingshen’s turn, he also raised his glass and sincerely said, “Congratulations.”

Lu Jingqing looked at him, but she held back the words that were about to come out of her mouth. She said, “Thank you.”

After the meal, Lu Jingshen went outside to the yard alone to smoke.

Recently, he had been smoking alot. During sleepless nights, he could only rely on smoking to relieve his overwhelming emotions. But it was just a temporary relief, or rather a vicious cycle.

Leaning against the wall, he saw Lingzhuo coming out alone, bringing food for the dog their mother raised.

Lingzhuo turned and noticed him, hesitated for a moment, and then came over.

Lu Jingshen just nodded.

In Lingzhuo’s impression, he had hardly ever seen Lu Jingshen smile. He always seemed so serious, which made Lingzhuo somewhat apprehensive around him.

After a brief exchange of greetings, Lingzhuo felt a strange awkwardness and said he would go inside. But Lu Jingshen stopped him and, with slightly blurred eyes behind the smoke, asked, “I asked you before, how far can two men go without a marriage to sustain their relationship? You said it depended on the individuals. Now, do you still think the same way?”

Lingzhuo recalled their awkward conversation when he formally met Lu’s family for the first time. He felt embarrassed but admitted sincerely, “My thoughts haven’t changed. It’s great that sister Jingqing can have a legal relationship with her partner openly. Although I and Lu Chixie can’t be like them, it doesn’t matter. I have confidence in myself and him, and that’s enough. Besides, we plan to find a suitable time to come out publicly. There will surely be resistance, but we are both prepared for it.”

Though embarrassed, he was able to admit his love openly. Lu Jingshen looked at him, feeling somewhat speechless.

Lingzhuo noticed that he seemed off and said, “Jingshen, smoke less. It’s not good for your health. Lu Chixie already quit smoking, you know, I think you should do the same.”

Lu Jingshen replied, “okay.”

Just then, Lu Chixie called for Lingzhuo from inside, and Lingzhuo quickly went back in.

Lu Jingshen unconsciously touched the cigarette box. There was only one pack left of what Feng Si left behind.

He lit a cigarette and thought about how he wished he could be as open and carefree as Lu Chixie and Lingzhuo, but he wasn’t like them.

For him, it was difficult. Really difficult.

……

That night, In the middle of the night, he woke up from another nightmare. Lu Jingshen opened his eyes, his body covered in sweat. The scenes from the dream still haunted him, and the foul and decaying smell lingered in his nostrils, almost making him nauseous.

After calming his fast-beating heart, Lu Jingshen reached for his phone on the nightstand and checked the time. It was 3 a.m. He had barely slept for three hours.

He had thought coming back to his parents’ house would allow him to sleep better, but it was still the same.

His headache was severe, and his mind felt hazy, but he wasn’t sleepy. Lu Jingshen propped himself up, leaned against the headboard, turned on a dim bedside lamp, and opened WeChat on his phone. He clicked on the profile picture he had been staring at repeatedly recently.

Before he realized it, he had already sent a message saying, “Hi.”

His finger hovered over the delete button, hesitating for two seconds, before deciding against it.

He had indeed hoped that Feng Si would reply to him, say something, even just one word.

As dawn approached, Lu Jingshen’s dry and bloodshot eyes were still fixed on the phone screen.

Feng didn’t reply.

Lu Jing tightly gripped his phone, feeling unwilling, and sent another message, “Our contract isn’t over yet. come back”

That was the only excuse he had now to contact Feng Si.

Originally, the employment contract they signed was for one year, but from the time the contract was signed until Feng Si left, it had only been a little over three months.

Three months again, like a curse, when the time is up, someone will always choose to leave first.

………

Feng Si was playing mahjong with his family when new messages came in. He glanced at the phone screen lying on the table and casually threw the tiles without paying any attention.

Feng Ting, sitting beside him, also leaned over to take a look and snatched the cigarette from him, saying, “Don’t smoke, it stinks. Your Favorite person sent you a message, aren’t you going to reply?”

Feng Si stuffed the phone back into his pocket and scolded Feng Ting, “Mind your own business.”

Feng’s mother chimed in, “Who? Did you really find someone, Feng Si? Why didn’t you tell me before? Thank goodness! I’ll tell your old man tomorrow. When are you bringing this ‘favorite person’ back for me to see?”

Feng Ting sneered, “seeing he came back on his own. Obviously, he got dumped.”

Feng’s mother looked incredulous, “You got dumped again?”

“Nope .,” Feng Si said expressionlessly, as he ate the tile his mother threw out and declared a win. “I’m the one who dumped him.”

With a dismissive “I’m going to the bathroom,” he got up and left.

Outside on the terrace, Feng Si lit another cigarette and took out his phone, looking at the time the two WeChat messages were sent, squinting slightly.

After a while, he typed with one hand and slowly replied, “Then I’ll consider it a breach of contract.”

On the other side, the moment the screen lit up, Lu Jingshen immediately grabbed the phone, but there was only that one unenthusiastic reply.

Indeed, it was in line with Feng Si’s character, Lu Jingshen thought.

Feng Si was unwilling to come back, even if it meant breaking the contract.

He couldn’t describe the feeling in his heart. Looking at Feng Si’s reply, Lu Jingshen’s mind kept echoing the words Feng Si said that night, “I’m even more upset than you,” causing his headache to split.

Trying to type something back to Feng Si, he dropped the phone he couldn’t grip well, and the screen shattered into pieces, blackening out.

Lu Jingshen picked up the phone, but no matter how he pressed it, the phone was already dead.

The heavy sense of powerlessness and frustration made him collapse back into bed, closing his eyes in defeat.