Deep Desire

The first day after the Chinese New Year holiday, Liu Jie received a business invitation from abroad and went to consult Lu Jingshen about it. “Should I send one of the vice presidents instead? You don’t need to go personally…”

Lu Jingshen’s hand slightly paused when flipping through the invitation and asked Liu Jie, “Is the location in London?”

Liu Jie nodded, “Yes, it’s in London.”

Lu Jingshen’s eyes flickered as he stared at the invitation for a moment before making a decision, “I’ll go.”

Liu Jie reminded him that there were more important tasks scheduled for the next week, but Lu Jingshen instructed, “reschedule the rest, i’ll go deal with this business first.”

Liu Jie couldn’t persuade him further, so she complied.

Before leaving his office, she suddenly thought of something and cautiously observed Lu Jingshen’s expression before saying, “Since Feng Si is not here, we need to ask the private jet company to send someone to replace him. Feng Si signed a one-year contract with us, and there’s a clause about breach of contract. He left without any reason. Should we hold him accountable?”

After a moment of silence, Lu Jingshen said, ” when we land in London, personally contact him and ask for his opinion on the matter.”

Liu Jie nodded, “Okay, noted.”

Of course, she knew that Feng Si had returned to England. She had also added Feng Si’s WeChat account and had seen the colorful life in his friend circle. It would be strange if she didn’t know.

On the day before the departure, Lu Jingshen finally made a rare visit home to pack his luggage.

There wasn’t much to pack; the necessary preparations would be done for him.

As he picked up the wristwatch on the bedside table, he absentmindedly pulled open the drawer and saw the things inside, slightly stunned.

The gloves Feng Si left, the pen he casually gave him, the sapphire cufflinks he bought when they were out, the postcard sent from Northern Europe, and the leather bracelet he had worn for seven years.

All those things were left by Feng Si, and they were all there.

Lu Jingshen took out the leather bracelet and rubbed it in his palm before putting it back on his wrist.

………..

The plane landed in London early in the morning, with a gray and snowy sky.

On the way to the hotel, Liu Jie recalled the matter regarding Feng Si and hesitated before asking Lu Jingshen in the backseat, “The pilot who flew us here today seems to have quite a bit of experience. He also looks honest. The private jet company sent us his resume. If Feng Si really quits, can we let him take over?”

Lu Jing Shen’s gaze remained fixed outside the car window, watching the rapidly receding street scenes: “You should contact Feng Si first.”

Liu Jie acknowledged and planned to contact Feng Si after reaching the hotel. However, Lu Jing Shen threw another line at her: “Call him now.”

Liu Jie reluctantly picked up her phone.

She then sent a voice message on WeChat with the speakerphone on.

She tried three times before Feng Si finally answered, his nasal voice carrying a hint of weariness: “Hello, Secretary Liu, what’s up?”

Glancing at her watch, Liu Jie realized it was almost ten o’clock in the morning, and Feng Si was still in bed?

“Feng Si, you’ve been absent without leave for nearly a month. When do you plan to come back?”

“Feng Si: “You boss didn’t tell you? I don’t intend to continue working for him.”

Liu Jie glanced at Lu Jing Shen, who was still looking out the window, and reminded the person on the phone: “Your contract includes a breach clause. If you unilaterally decide not to work without our consent, it’s considered a breach.”

Feng Si nonchalantly replied, “I’m aware, I’m just planning to terminate the contract early. You didn’t spend a dime on my training in the initial stage. Why should I pay millions for a breach? Where did you come up with this tyrannical clause?”

Liu Jie said, “It’s clearly stated in the contract. I asked you to read it carefully at the beginning, but you said you didn’t want to read it. Whether it’s a tyrannical clause or not, it’s up to the lawyers and the court to decide, not you.”

Feng Si chuckled, “right, then let’s skip the court part. I have no intention of challenging your company’s lawyers who can turn black into white. Fine, just give me the specific amount and account number for the penalty, and I’ll transfer the breach fee in a couple of days. Goodbye, and please don’t call me again.”

After finishing speaking, Feng Si hung up the phone decisively.

Liu Jie widened her eyes, surprised that Feng Si had so easily agreed to pay millions in penalties. She had first intended to create a pitfall in the contract, and while Feng Si had stepped into it, his attitude made it hard to feel any sense of satisfaction or victory.

“Feng Si…”

“Let’s talk about it later.”

Lu Jing Shen shook his head slightly, showing no real intention of making him pay the penalty.

Liu Jie closed her mouth. Whatever the boss said, goes.

Lu Jing Shen’s schedule there was only three days, tightly packed with engagements. After dropping off his luggage at the hotel, he immediately headed to the business appointments. By the time he returned to the hotel on the first day, it was already 8 p.m.

Finally able to catch his breath, after a tiring day combined with jet lag, his body signaled exhaustion. After taking a shower and lying on the bed, he tried to clear his mind and force himself to sleep, but to no avail.

Rubbing his throbbing temples, Lu Jing Shen sat up, lost in thought. He absentmindedly picked up his phone and habitually checked Feng Si’s social media.

Only then did he realize that even in the same city, he didn’t have Feng Si’s address or any other contact information, making it difficult for him to meet the person he wanted to see.

How did Feng Si manage to find him across the world during those seven years, enduring disappointment and despair again and again, just so he could find him?

But he had still pushed him away, even after causing him disappointment and despair time and time again.

His head throbbed with pain, and Lu Jing Shen struggled to catch his breath. He forced himself to scroll through Feng Si’s social media feed, and suddenly, his finger paused.

A few days ago, Feng Si had posted a location with his update. Clicking on it, the map showed that it wasn’t too far from the current hotel.

Without much hesitation, Lu Jing Shen got up and changed his clothes.

Twenty minutes later, he was alone in the car, blending into the bustling city night.

He had rented the car from the hotel. After returning from France, he had obtained an international driver’s license. Although driving on the right-hand side was a bit unfamiliar, he wanted to avoid any disturbances, so he chose to drive himself.

Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his destination. Lu Jing Shen parked the car by the roadside and looked out the window. It was a residential area, quiet in the dark night, and the snow had stopped.

In the distance, the dome of a church was faintly visible under the night sky, almost identical to the angle in the photo Feng Si posted in his social media. He didn’t know if this was Feng Si’s residence, but apart from trying this, he couldn’t think of any better way.

Now that he was there, he hadn’t really thought about what to say if he could see Feng Si.

Lu Jing Shen licked his slightly dry lips and gripped the steering wheel tightly.

It was 9:30 in the evening. He looked at the flickering lights outside and gradually felt calmer.

At least, he didn’t want it to be as tense as that night.

………

Feng Si returned after eleven o’clock. He passed by Lu Jing Shen’s car, hands in his pockets, and took a few steps before stopping, turning around to look.

The person who was sleeping on the steering wheel seemed to be Lu Jing Shen, not a hallucination.

He walked back to the car door, raised his hand to knock on the window, then hesitated and changed his mind, leaning against the car and lighting a cigarette.

Lu Jing Shen was sleeping soundly, with his arm propped against the steering wheel, and his long bangs covering his eyes.

Seeing him fall asleep like this, it was evident that he had been enduring a lot of hardships recently.

Feng Si stared at the person in the car through the flickering light and slowly traced the contours of his face with his gaze. He inhaled the smoke deeply, then exhaled slowly.

Lu Jing Shen woke up in a daze after who knows how long. When he felt the numbness in his legs, he opened his eyes and turned his head to see Feng Si leaning against the car, smoking. For a moment, he even thought he was hallucinating.

He hadn’t expected to fall asleep there, and Feng Si actually came back at that time.

Feng Si’s gaze shifted over, and through the car window and the smoke, Lu Jing Shen couldn’t clearly discern his emotions. He was stunned for a moment, then quickly pushed open the car door and got out of the car.

Feng Si leaned against the car and didn’t move, holding a cigarette in his mouth as he observed him. In a nonchalant tone, he asked, “Alex, why are you here?”

Lu Jing Shen was also looking at him. It had been a month since they last met, and Feng Si’s appearance seemed unchanged. If anything had changed, it was his attitude towards him, which had become much colder than before.

He couldn’t pretend not to feel uncomfortable; he had prepared himself mentally before coming, but he had still underestimated his own ability to endure the cold indifference in Feng Si’s eyes.

“I came here for work. I just arrived this morning,” he spoke honestly.

“Oh,” was Feng Si’s nonchalant response.

With Feng Si’s attitude, Lu Jing Shen didn’t know what else to say. After a moment of silence, he tried to find something to talk about, “Is this where you live?”

“Yeah,” Feng Si’s reply was as brief as ever.

Lu Jing Shen forced himself to continue, “Can you come back?”

“Come back where?” Feng Si taunted, “Why should I go back? To hide in your house and continue being your house-husband?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Lu Jing Shen’s voice sounded bitter, “I know I was wrong. I was wrong back then, and I’m still wrong now. Avoiding the issue won’t solve anything. I admit… I can’t get past the psychological barrier, and I can’t face our relationship. I want to change… I’ll see a therapist. Can you give me some more time, please? That’s all I ask.”

Lu Jing Shen struggled to get the words out, but Feng Si remained silent, looking at him calmly, occasionally exhaling a puff of smoke.

Lu Jing Shen couldn’t decipher the meaning behind his calm gaze, and he anxiously tightened his grip on his hand, feeling the sharp pain and the pulling sensation in his head that seemed to be constantly tearing at his nerves. He felt uneasy, gasping for breath, his voice trembling, “I’m sorry, can you give me more time? It won’t be long. I promise…”

“Alex, look at me?” Feng Si furrowed his brows, interrupting him. He suddenly reached out and placed his hand on Lu Jing Shen’s neck, reminding him, “Take a deep breath and relax.”

Lu Jing Shen closed and opened his eyes repeatedly, and gradually, his breathing began to stabilize.

Feng Si let go of him, “You don’t look too good. What are you doing here alone in an unfamiliar place at this time of night? Just go back to your hotel.”

Lu Jing Shen felt embarrassed, “I wanted to see you.”

That was probably the first time he had spoken so directly about his feelings to Feng Si, but Feng Si didn’t seem impressed, “You’ve seen me, now you can go back.”

Lu Jing Shen refused to leave and the situation remained tense.

Feng Si raised an eyebrow, “Alex, are you trying to act stubborn with me? Do you really think I still have to listen to you, I’ve been through enough hell as it is just for you. I’m exhausted”

Lu Jing Shen just shook his head, he had no idea how to make Feng Si change his mind.

Feng Si flicked the cigarette butt away and stepped on it with his foot. He turned to leave when his phone rang,his friends inviting him to a bar for drinks.

Feng Si wasn’t interested, he answered them, “I’m not going. I’ll stay indoors tonight.”

The person on the other end exaggeratedly complained that it was not even midnight yet, they still insisted he come over.

Feng Si glanced at Lu Jing Shen, who was staring at him intently, and changed his mind, “Alright, see you in a few.”

After hanging up, he said to Lu Jing Shen, “You heard that, I made plans with someone. You should go back.”

Of course, Lu Jing Shen heard it. Feng Si spoke to the person in English, but he understood every word.

His body reacted faster than his brain. He reached out and grabbed Feng Si’s sleeve and blurted out, “I’ll go with you.”

Feng Si turned to look at him, a teasing smile playing on his lips, “I advise you not to. The bar I’m going to is the same one I took you to in Paris last time. I know that’s not your scene.”

Lu Jing Shen’s face paled, and visible struggle appeared in his expression.

Feng Si withdrew his arm, but just as he was about to turn around, Lu Jing Shen stepped forward and blocked his path, insisting with a trembling voice, “I’m going with you.”